Summing up the past 11 months...

So technically it hasn't even been a year since I last blogged, which I'm taking as quite an accomplishment. I don't even know that anyone will even read this any more, but I think it's good that I try to write anyway.

JT turned 11 months yesterday. I am shocked. Joe put it in terms that really freaked me out when he said "That's more than 5% of the time he'll be under our care that's already passed." What?? 5%?? Really, in less than a year?? When I did the math and saw that he was right, I once again couldn't believe how truly fast time goes with a child. He will never be this little again, and he has already grown so very much!

So much has changed with me as a mother in the past 11 months. I have come a really long way and still have far to go. Mostly, I am in a place where God has opened my eyes to the incredible calling that is motherhood, and my heart responds with thrill and excitement in wanting to accept the call and do it to the best of my ability and to His utmost glory.

How neat it is to stay at home with your child. JT is my little companion. We spend nearly every second of every day together. I love that. I love that I get to live every moment of his life, at least for now. And I love that he enjoys my company (I hear that changes faster than you know it, too). I am amazed at how much joy one child can bring without trying to or even knowing he's doing it. Truly children are gifts from the Lord, and gifts that keep on giving. When JT comes up to me and gives me a 'besito' (kiss in Spanish, we're working on being bilingual!) it absolutely melts my heart. I literally see the love he has for me in his eyes. And he is such a wonderful baby. I hope all our babies are relatively easy as far as temperament goes, though I know each individual is different even from birth. But I'm really enjoying JT's relatively easy-going personality and the joy he exudes and he discovers the world around him.

I used to be afraid that once I became a mother I would be so consumed with the day to day responsibilities that the job entails that I would struggle to find adequate time to spend with the Lord, and even with my husband. But I am amazed at how God worked out this whole design. He has shown me that time with Him is not a separate item to put on my daily to-do list. Continually He proves that He is in everything, in every moment. If I just ask Him each morning to open my eyes to Him throughout the day, I see Him and hear Him speak in the most mundane of circumstances. When I change JT's diaper and he squirms and fights to get loose, God gently points out that many times when He's trying to change me, to clean away my filth, I, too squirm to get away, or pitch a little fit. I'd rather sit in my own muck than let the One who loves me and takes care of me do what He does best and what He knows is best for me. When I do get those unsolicited kisses from JT, I'm prompted to turn right around and offer God a random "I love you" or shout of praise, because I'm reminded that, just like me, He really enjoys hearing it just because, and not always when we need something. I could go on, but I won't here. But I daily blessed by and through this little boy in my life.

God has been working on me in many ways in the last several months. I am excited because I see how He improving who I am as a wife and mother, though many times I get discouraged because I see how far I have to go. But I am encouraged, because the Lord is dealing with me, and there is nothing else I could ask for. Oh, how He loves us! Thank you, Jesus, for dying on that cross in our place, and for not leaving us to live life alone, but for sending us your Spirit to walk us through each step of the way.

I am very much enjoying this journey...

It's the little things...

Not much has really been happening around here, other than the constant, hectic work involved in caring for a newborn. But I thought I'd just list a few of the things that I've grown to deeply appreciate, and some of the challenges I'm still facing during this wonderful postpartum period:

Challenges:
~Staying awake/Waking up while changing a diaper, rocking the baby, quieting the baby, or feeding the baby
~Finding the time to do anything that does not relate to the baby, including things like dishes and housework, that do pertain to the rest of us
~Changing diapers properly in the dark
~Giving the baby his vitamins without getting that stinky stuff all over his clothes or mine
~Taking the time to make sure my husband knows how much I love and appreciate him
~Eating: there just isn't time
~Nursing: this has to be the biggest one. Though we've overcome some obstacles and come a long way, we still have progress to make and the process is still painful. I didn't expect nursing to be so painful or so challenging, but I really really want to make it through
~Traveling with baby: everything needs to be done quickly because he's asleep for now, but you know that soon he'll be awake and hungry
~Crying: I get so distressed when I hear J.T. cry his high pitched, purple faced cries. I don't even want to deal with it and usually pass him off to Joe or my mom and don't deal with it. I need to learn to.
~Keeping things/ourselves clean, with pee, poop, and breast milk fighting to saturate every surface

I cherish:
~Showers: they don't come often, but when they do they are wonderful
~Sleep: especially if it can be for more than three hours at a time, but every minute is golden
~Sitting down at the table to eat: it is amazing how much time can pass without realizing that you haven't eaten anything all day
~Time to go to the bathroom
~Dental hygiene: honestly, this is one of the first things to go. The other day I finally got around to flossing and part of my back molar fell out. Literally, it just fell out into the sink. So one of these days I'll need to see a dentist, and I need to pray that I don't lose all my teeth before then
~Joe and my mom, and their talent of being able to calm the baby when he's crying
~JT's nap times: only during these times can I myself sleep or choose to do one of the other above mentioned cherished things, or the not so enjoyable housework that nevertheless must be done
~The time between feedings: I'll be honest, I feel like a cow. It's nice to be left alone for a little bit
~The time during feedings: though it seems to be all I do, I do love the precious time JT and I share during feedings. I love that I can provide for his needs, watching as he goes from cries of hunger to smiles of satisfaction. I love how he falls asleep in my arms
~My family: my mom has been amazing. I don't know what I would have done without her these past few weeks. Joe has been incredible. Watching him as a father AND a husband reminds me of how truly blessed I am. My son is indescribable. There are moments when I am so overwhelmed with love for him that I take him to Joe and ask him to just look at him, just look at our son, and Joe wonders what I'm talking about because he's seen him before and he isn't doing anything new. But I just can't contain what I feel in those moments and have to share it, because I have been given a son, and he is a precious gift.
~J.T.: his smiles, his winks, how small he is because I can already feel him getting bigger (and he is, he weighed in at 11 lbs 5 oz at his last appointment!)

I hear him stirring, so that's my cue. I have such an appreciation for everyone who has ever mothered. It is such a huge task. And thank you all for your prayers, we have needed them and are very grateful!

Life with baby J.T. :)

It's been three weeks now since Joseph Taylor was born, and four since I've written any updates. Now that he's napping I'm going to quickly try to get some stuff written!

So my due date came and went, and no number of walks around the mall or 5 mile treks around town was helping J.T. come any sooner. Once I was a week overdue, the doctor was concerned that the baby was getting too big and strongly encouraged us to induce. Joe and I had prayed and felt confident that if the baby didn't come by one week after his due date, we were okay with inducing. So on December 17 we went to the hospital to have a baby!! Everything happened so fast: I was given the pitocin at about 9:30 and by 1:30 I started pushing. I pushed for two verrrrrry long hours and still no baby. At that point I was utterly exhausted and when the doctor came in and told me that the baby's head seemed to be too big to fit through the pelvis and that he had turned slightly to his side and the best option at that point was going to be a c-section, I literally said, "Just get this baby out of me!!" Though a c-section was the absolute last thing I wanted, I had a peace throughout the whole experience and was completely confident that God was in control and running the show. So many things went differently than my birth plan, but I was completely okay with it. I was able to experience the intense pain of labor, and even the sweet relief of the epidural halfway through. I experienced the unbelievable challenge of pushing to bring a new life into the world, and in the end I was able to hold a beautiful, healthy, strong baby boy. I learned so much from this experience and will take all of it into account for next time (that's right, I'm DEFINITELY doing this again!!).

Joseph Taylor was born at 3:37 p.m. on December 17, 2008. He weighed 8lbs. 80z. and measured 22 inches long. Immediately I saw those lips and knew he looked just like his daddy! What an overwhelming experience those first moments were! Joe was next to me as I lay on the operating table, and suddenly we heard a cry, and emotion overcame us both. Seconds before it had been just us, but that cry signaled that a new life had arrived, and that new life was entrusted to us, as our son.

Since that day we have made many adjustments. From the hospital to my parents' house where we stayed for the rest of December, and now home to North Carolina where we are now truly a family of three, there have been challenges and blessings around every corner. Recovering from the surgery was a lot more difficult than I had anticipated, and I do not know what I would have done had it not been for our amazing family around us to support and help us. Also, Joe has been absolutely amazing. I am in awe at how natural being a father is to him. Since I was recovering, especially the first few days in the hospital, Joe did absolutely everything except feed the baby. They have bonded so beautifully. Joe knows his cues so well. When J.T. cries, I often get overwhelmed and always ask Joe, "What does he want? What does that cry mean?" And Joe always seems to know. I love them both so much. Thank you, Lord, for these unbelievable blessings.

J.T. is such an amazing little person! He is growing so fast! Though as a newborn he doesn't do much but sleep, eat, and fill his diaper, everything about his absolutely entrances us. His little smiles, whether or not he knows he's making them, melt our hearts. We're all in the process of adjusting to a routine now that we're home. Joe is back at work, and fortunately my mom is up here with us for a few weeks. I do not know what I would do without her! Recovering from the surgery and getting used to breastfeeding (which, by the way, is one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences, I'm convinced!) leave me drained most of the time and my mom has been indispensible in helping with work around the house. There is always so much to do! It really is nonstop. And now we're on J.T.'s schedule, which doesn't consist of day or night, but really of three-hour intervals that cycle through 24 hour periods. He is now only waking up two or three times a night to feed, but that's enough to leave me wanting sleep come morning! It all is just so new and so surreal at times, but at the same time so natural. I have a baby. I have a son. Wow, my life is amazing. Thank you, Jesus!

Any Day Now!!

December 10th and still pregnant!! I was going crazy the past few days, feeling like it was never going to happen, every day feeling like an eternity. I think though that now that I'm officially past my due date, I'm okay knowing that it has to happen sometime soon. And today I went to the doctor and got some encouraging news. Apparently I am currently 4 centimeters dilated, which is awesome because I haven't felt any of it! The past few days I have been growing increasingly uncomfortable and take it just as a sign that my body is actually progressing toward the labor and delivery stage. I went for a stress test today to make sure the baby is still doing well in there and everything looks excellent. We even got to see an ultrasound and got a glimpse of his face, which doesn't look like an alien anymore but actually like a little baby, with chubby cheeks and everything!! I can't wait to see the non-black-and-white/fuzzy-lines version! Joe and I looked at some of the babies in the nursery today while we were at the hospital. It was funny because he was commenting on how tiny they looked and I was marveling at how huge they seemed! Knowing you're carrying one inside you and it somehow has to come out has a funny way of affecting your perspective :)

I'm starting to really put it out of my mind and enjoy the time that Joe and I have together. We've been going out and keeping busy which has been a wonderful distraction but also really fun for us. I'd kinda forgotten just how much fun we have hanging out together. It's great to be with my best bud again :) God is so good, and I'm so grateful for this time, and for the anticipation of a healthy son that we will soon hold in our arms. Thank you everyone who has been encouraging us and praying for us. I feel the prayers already and am counting on them to sustain me during labor and delivery. Can't wait to update you on how it all goes!!

The Waiting Game

Ok, I just want to give a quick update since my last one was so emotional...
The doctor had said it should be sometime this week, which it is, but still with no baby. I'm growing a little bit anxious, but not too much because my wonderful hubby is here now and we get to enjoy this time together, just the two of us, which won't happen again until we're empty nesters...scary.

Yesterday the doctor said the baby is ready and it should be any day now, so everyone's waiting to see who is going to win the family bet on what day J.T. will come and how much he will weigh. I already lost, I said it would be yesterday :(

As far as my feelings about childbirth, God has really been repairing my heart this past week. It has involved some more challenging questions I've had to face about who I'm really putting my trust in, and how much I am really willing to let God be in control regardless of how that translates into circumstances. As of right now, I am ready. I am ready for that first contraction and ready to experience Jesus holding me through it. I'm going to take it one labor pain at a time since my human brain can get overwhelmed quite easily, but all the while remembering that I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I have verses and worship songs all packed up in my bag to use during labor, and whether it ends up being 2 hours or 20 hours, drug-free or all drugged up, I'm excited for the experience because it will be God's unique experience for me, and we get to go through it together. So I'm much more at peace now and so ready to welcome this new life into the world. Thank you, Lord!

I better get going and help Joe, who is cleaning out the pantry. Apparently my so-called "nesting" instinct was quite a joke compared to his...

Upcoming Labor Day!

So I went to the doctor this morning and he expects that J.T. will be making his debut sometime next week!! Wow, it's getting real now!! From the beginning I thought the baby might be born on the 3rd, since my birthday is on the 3rd of November and Joe's the 3rd of February I thought that'd be kinda cool. So we'll see if my instincts are right!

As wonderful and exciting as this news is (and it really, really is!!) I must admit I'm feeling pretty disheartened right now. To be concise, the issue is with the upcoming "labor day". I've been planning and preparing and honestly getting pretty excited about my plan for a natural, drug-free delivery. After my appointment with my doctor today though, as with every appointment with him, I'm considering abandoning my plans altogether. My doctor is convinced that I'm going to end up with the epidural and consistently tells me to just forget the whole natural plan and take the "easy road" as he even calls it. In addition, it seems that some of the strategies and techniques I've been planning to use during labor to manage the pain will not really be possible in the hospital since I'll be required to be hooked up to monitors at all times. Every obstetrician is different and unfortunately I just happen to have one with a completely different birthing philosophy than I have. I'm discouraged because even though it truly is a deep desire of mine to try as much as possible for as long as possible to deliver this baby naturally, emotionally right now I feel like I don't want the added burden and stress of having to fight my doctor and his procedures, though I have been up to this point. It's just that when the day comes I know I'm going to need an environment that is completely supportive of my desire for a natural birth if there's any chance of me carrying through, and it is clear that the experience I can anticipate at this particular hospital with this particular doctor is not conducive to that. Right now I really feel like saying, "Ok, I'll do it your way. I'll come in right away and get the epidural when it gets too strong. I'll take your directions as to how to deliver my baby," and just be done with it. I feel like conceding now, and not during labor, is the option that affords the most peace and least tension. But at the same time, I am so frustrated that I am questioning my plans and second guessing myself now, with only about a week to go.

I know it is in the Lord's hands, and that regardless of what my doctor says or what my emotions suggest, I can trust that He is holding me and that He is in control, no one else. Lord help me to know your will and to do it wholeheartedly.

One Week Closer...

Happy 38 weeks of pregnancy to me!! So here we are, full term now, and ready to go whenever J.T. is. Sometimes I still don't fully grasp that I am literally days away from being a mother and having a son. Life is so wonderfully crazy, isn't it?

I've been feeling great now that I'm in the home stretch. This time last week I was slowly getting miserable because my discomforts were multiplying and I couldn't get much meaningful sleep. But I've been doing better lately, possibly just a result of getting used to things though also because as Thanksgiving is approaching as well as many family birthdays I have been distracted and have been more active. What has me REALLY excited is that Joe may be able to come down as soon as one week from now!!! Having him here, and even just the anticipation of him possibly coming soon, is enough to lift my spirits so that I virtually forget about any discomforts I may be having and am probably even okay in the event that I stay pregnant past my due date...that will just be more hubby and me time!!

In the meantime everything in the room is ready, all bags are packed, and we really are ready to go. My next appointment is on Wednesday and I hope to get an idea of when the doctor thinks labor might start. Until then, I'm enjoying this time and looking forward to Thanksgiving, with so much to be thankful for!! :)