Any Day Now!!

December 10th and still pregnant!! I was going crazy the past few days, feeling like it was never going to happen, every day feeling like an eternity. I think though that now that I'm officially past my due date, I'm okay knowing that it has to happen sometime soon. And today I went to the doctor and got some encouraging news. Apparently I am currently 4 centimeters dilated, which is awesome because I haven't felt any of it! The past few days I have been growing increasingly uncomfortable and take it just as a sign that my body is actually progressing toward the labor and delivery stage. I went for a stress test today to make sure the baby is still doing well in there and everything looks excellent. We even got to see an ultrasound and got a glimpse of his face, which doesn't look like an alien anymore but actually like a little baby, with chubby cheeks and everything!! I can't wait to see the non-black-and-white/fuzzy-lines version! Joe and I looked at some of the babies in the nursery today while we were at the hospital. It was funny because he was commenting on how tiny they looked and I was marveling at how huge they seemed! Knowing you're carrying one inside you and it somehow has to come out has a funny way of affecting your perspective :)

I'm starting to really put it out of my mind and enjoy the time that Joe and I have together. We've been going out and keeping busy which has been a wonderful distraction but also really fun for us. I'd kinda forgotten just how much fun we have hanging out together. It's great to be with my best bud again :) God is so good, and I'm so grateful for this time, and for the anticipation of a healthy son that we will soon hold in our arms. Thank you everyone who has been encouraging us and praying for us. I feel the prayers already and am counting on them to sustain me during labor and delivery. Can't wait to update you on how it all goes!!

The Waiting Game

Ok, I just want to give a quick update since my last one was so emotional...
The doctor had said it should be sometime this week, which it is, but still with no baby. I'm growing a little bit anxious, but not too much because my wonderful hubby is here now and we get to enjoy this time together, just the two of us, which won't happen again until we're empty nesters...scary.

Yesterday the doctor said the baby is ready and it should be any day now, so everyone's waiting to see who is going to win the family bet on what day J.T. will come and how much he will weigh. I already lost, I said it would be yesterday :(

As far as my feelings about childbirth, God has really been repairing my heart this past week. It has involved some more challenging questions I've had to face about who I'm really putting my trust in, and how much I am really willing to let God be in control regardless of how that translates into circumstances. As of right now, I am ready. I am ready for that first contraction and ready to experience Jesus holding me through it. I'm going to take it one labor pain at a time since my human brain can get overwhelmed quite easily, but all the while remembering that I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I have verses and worship songs all packed up in my bag to use during labor, and whether it ends up being 2 hours or 20 hours, drug-free or all drugged up, I'm excited for the experience because it will be God's unique experience for me, and we get to go through it together. So I'm much more at peace now and so ready to welcome this new life into the world. Thank you, Lord!

I better get going and help Joe, who is cleaning out the pantry. Apparently my so-called "nesting" instinct was quite a joke compared to his...

Upcoming Labor Day!

So I went to the doctor this morning and he expects that J.T. will be making his debut sometime next week!! Wow, it's getting real now!! From the beginning I thought the baby might be born on the 3rd, since my birthday is on the 3rd of November and Joe's the 3rd of February I thought that'd be kinda cool. So we'll see if my instincts are right!

As wonderful and exciting as this news is (and it really, really is!!) I must admit I'm feeling pretty disheartened right now. To be concise, the issue is with the upcoming "labor day". I've been planning and preparing and honestly getting pretty excited about my plan for a natural, drug-free delivery. After my appointment with my doctor today though, as with every appointment with him, I'm considering abandoning my plans altogether. My doctor is convinced that I'm going to end up with the epidural and consistently tells me to just forget the whole natural plan and take the "easy road" as he even calls it. In addition, it seems that some of the strategies and techniques I've been planning to use during labor to manage the pain will not really be possible in the hospital since I'll be required to be hooked up to monitors at all times. Every obstetrician is different and unfortunately I just happen to have one with a completely different birthing philosophy than I have. I'm discouraged because even though it truly is a deep desire of mine to try as much as possible for as long as possible to deliver this baby naturally, emotionally right now I feel like I don't want the added burden and stress of having to fight my doctor and his procedures, though I have been up to this point. It's just that when the day comes I know I'm going to need an environment that is completely supportive of my desire for a natural birth if there's any chance of me carrying through, and it is clear that the experience I can anticipate at this particular hospital with this particular doctor is not conducive to that. Right now I really feel like saying, "Ok, I'll do it your way. I'll come in right away and get the epidural when it gets too strong. I'll take your directions as to how to deliver my baby," and just be done with it. I feel like conceding now, and not during labor, is the option that affords the most peace and least tension. But at the same time, I am so frustrated that I am questioning my plans and second guessing myself now, with only about a week to go.

I know it is in the Lord's hands, and that regardless of what my doctor says or what my emotions suggest, I can trust that He is holding me and that He is in control, no one else. Lord help me to know your will and to do it wholeheartedly.

One Week Closer...

Happy 38 weeks of pregnancy to me!! So here we are, full term now, and ready to go whenever J.T. is. Sometimes I still don't fully grasp that I am literally days away from being a mother and having a son. Life is so wonderfully crazy, isn't it?

I've been feeling great now that I'm in the home stretch. This time last week I was slowly getting miserable because my discomforts were multiplying and I couldn't get much meaningful sleep. But I've been doing better lately, possibly just a result of getting used to things though also because as Thanksgiving is approaching as well as many family birthdays I have been distracted and have been more active. What has me REALLY excited is that Joe may be able to come down as soon as one week from now!!! Having him here, and even just the anticipation of him possibly coming soon, is enough to lift my spirits so that I virtually forget about any discomforts I may be having and am probably even okay in the event that I stay pregnant past my due date...that will just be more hubby and me time!!

In the meantime everything in the room is ready, all bags are packed, and we really are ready to go. My next appointment is on Wednesday and I hope to get an idea of when the doctor thinks labor might start. Until then, I'm enjoying this time and looking forward to Thanksgiving, with so much to be thankful for!! :)

Getting Closer!!

Another week closer!!! Joseph Taylor should be here in about 3 weeks or so, and I am getting really excited to meet him! It's still somewhat surreal that all this is happening and that so much is about to happen, but I'm so thrilled about this time in our lives.

Joe came down for a visit this past weekend!!! Oh how wonderful it was to spend time together again...truly the last time before the baby is here! His trip was a birthday present to me and, though it was a short 4 days, was the best present I could have asked for. He assembled the rocking chair and installed the car seat and though he managed to get out of watching any of the childbirth preparation videos I had planned for him, we are both just about ready for J.T.'s arrival. Joe asks pretty often now how I'm feeling and if I think I'm going to have the baby soon, so he's really ready for it to happen. I went to the doctor today and he said everything looks good and I should be set to deliver around the end of November/early December, which is nothing new but still good since I'm on track. My weight actually went down since last week, a change from the 2 pounds I've been gaining each week. I've read that weight stabilization happens at the very end and is a sign that my body and the baby are getting ready, so yay! Though it could be a result of the extra exercise I got (bowling and longer walks) while Joe was here.

God has been preparing my heart for childbirth. I felt Him impress on me a couple weeks ago that if I will take up the challenge, He plans to be there in the midst of every contraction and if I am willing to persevere and work through the pain to look for Him, I will find Him and will experience the amazing intimacy of falling into His arms and drawing from His strength. I feel Him challenging me by letting me know that this can be one of the most supernatural experiences I will have during my time on earth, and that it will be up to me to embrace it. When He puts it that way, of course I want to go for it!! I want to experience God intimately in the midst of the pain, and I want to look back at my birth experience as one of the most intensely close encounters I've ever had with my King. So in these last few weeks before the big day, I am asking Him to prepare my heart so that I will have the perseverance (not usually my strongest suit) to take hold of all that the Lord has for me.

Well there are baby clothes in the dryer that need to be folded and put away to be completely ready for when J.T. gets here. I better get to that while any semblance of a nesting instinct is present :)

Prayer for the President-Elect

I read the following on a blog and am aligning my heart to pray this prayer.

Sovereign Lord, we pray for President-Elect Barack Obama.
We ask:

That You, the infinite font of wisdom, might grant him wisdom daily.

That You, the loving God of all, might grant him love for you and for others, including our enemies.

That You, the holy and righteous God of justice, might empower him to do what is right in all that he does.

That You, the Lord, might grant him the charisma of insight to lead in this turbulent world and time.

That You, the Healer, might grant him the grace of reconciling damaged relations in this country and in the world about us.

That You, the God of Life, might grant him a commitment to act for all -- the unborn and born, the young and old, the civilian and the soldier -- to preserve life and honor that each of us is fashioned in the image of God.

That You, the Father, might grant him the time and wisdom to father his two young daughters and love Michelle, his wife.

And that You, the God of all comfort, might grace him and his family as they mourn the loss of his grandmother.

Lord, hear our prayer.

Weeks 34 and 35

Well the days actually seem to be going by quite fast lately! Last week my mom/coach and I attended our final childbirth education class. The class was actually really great, and I feel that I learned a great deal and came away with tools and resources that will hopefully help me when it comes time to labor. I'm actually kind of excited to see how I do :)

On Monday we also took a "Baby Care" class. In 2 hours we learned how to care for our newborns. Sound unlikely?? Well, it was certainly a whole lot of information crammed into a short period of time. I came away, honestly, scared to death. Though people have been saying it and warning me for months now of what life will be like once the baby is here, it suddenly hit me that truly, in a matter of weeks, I'm going to try to function on roughly 2 hour intervals of sleep. The cycle of feeding, burping, changing, sleeping, feeding, etc. is quite dizzying. I sat there wide eyed in the classroom as it sank in that this little thing inside of me, once out, is going to totally dictate my life. Scary. I know I'm going to just love him so much, and that something in me (and divine) will kick in to give me the strength to handle it, but I'm preparing myself for the reality of what life with a newborn, as a first time mom, is likely to be. Now I think I'm trying to enjoy my last few weeks of pregnancy as much as possible, and now the time seems to be flying.

I had an ultrasound the other day, and Joseph Taylor seems to be growing quite perfectly! He's predicted to be about 5 lbs. 3 oz. right now, and the radiologist said she could see fuzzy hair on his head! Joe thinks for sure he'll come out with blond hair, and I'm hoping he does. I'm already one centimeter dilated (is that TMI? I went back and forth but decided it's part of the wonderful narrative of birth!!) which I found quite encouraging! I'm going to keep walking and doing my exercises and hope that my body will in fact progress through as much of the pre-labor (and ultimately, labor) process as possible while it remains painless. I really am so curious to see how my whole birthing experience ends up playing out. I'm open to whatever happens, and I know God has it completely under control. I'm just curious to find out the details! And I'm sure as soon as it starts some of that curiosity will fade until it's gone altogether and all I want is for it to be over.

All right, enough birth talk for now. I'll be back with more excessive information as it becomes available :)

Some Thoughts (and Emotions)

I truly cannot wait to become a mother. In so many ways I feel that some of my deepest desires, to nurture and love a child that I had a part in creating, are about to be realized in just a few short weeks. At the same time, in many ways this is incredibly overwhelming. That's where I am right now, trying not to feel overwhelmed, reminding myself that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." It's funny how I can remember rehearsing that verse over and over again in my head to get me through the mile run in middle school, and now I'm turning to it to find the strength to be a mother. I love how relevant and perfect God's Word is!

I'm fighting the urge to feel overwhelmed because as I was praying this morning, I realized how much I need God to change me. Though He has changed me in many ways, it seems there are many more areas that need more changing than ever before. This morning I was convicted about the ways I need God to change me into a better wife, and thus began the overwhelming-ness. I fall so short of the woman God wants me to be, and specifically of the wife He has called me to be. God needs to be constantly working on me to get me closer to that person, really to get me closer to resembling Christ. The problem is that change takes work, on the part of the Spirit and myself, and I feel that lately I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain. I haven't been aggressively asking God to change me, sometimes not even sincerely wanting Him to. So as I realize how deliberate I must be in working toward and allowing myself to be transformed into that seemingly unattainable Proverbs 31 woman, I'm reminded of how painful these processes usually are. So worth it and so necessary, but so painful to have my heart exposed for what it is and stripped of all the junk it's been clinging to. Still I've gone through this heart surgery with God before, and I know he provides His grace as a small dose of anesthesia so that we can survive the process.

Though now I feel I must undergo double heart surgery. I have so much to learn, still, about being a wife, and EVERYTHING to learn about being a mother. Honestly I don't think I'll ever feel ashamed if all I ever do for a living is be a wife and mother. At this point I certainly can't conceive being both in addition to someone's employee.

There is so much to learn, and I feel like a pre-schooler in a PhD program. But I know this truth: God is good. He is a perfect teacher. All He does He does with love. I could not go through this process with anyone other than Him. I can trust Him. And I can trust that "He who began a good work within me will carry it through to completion." Praise the Lord!

Waiting for Baby...

So I am just over 32 weeks pregnant and so incredibly excited to meet baby J.T. (for Joseph Taylor, NOT Justin Timberlake) !!! I have been blessed with a very complications-free pregnancy, (morning sickness now a thing of the past, praise Jesus!!) and have really enjoyed watching my body undergo this incredible transformation. It is amazing to feel a life growing inside you!! J.T. is getting so strong, I can feel it by the intensity of his jabs and punches. I am just so excited to see him for the first time and finally hold him in my arms. I can't imagine what an overwhelming experience that is going to be, but I can't wait.

I must be honest, I also can't wait to have my body all to myself again :). My digestive system just isn't the same, and I look forward to enjoying food again some day soon. I also miss taking deep breaths now that the baby is crowding in on my lungs. I miss being active, which has been redefined since becoming pregnant. I actually can't wait to go for a run, and that might be the first time in my life that that's the case. And I really can't wait to lay on my stomach again, or my back even. I think as soon as I'm recovered I'm gonna find a little hill and do barrel rolls down it. Still I'm trying to really soak in this time because inevitably it will be over and I will never get the experience of my first pregnancy back again.

I have been taking childbirth education classes with my mom, who will hopefully be coaching me through a natural delivery. With all the preparations I've been going through to get ready for labor and delivery, the most significant one is really praying and asking God for His strength, and particularly that He would prepare me for the delivery He knows is going to take place. I'm looking forward to the experience of giving birth, regardless of the circumstances that will ultimately define it. What an amazing privilege I have as a woman to join in the toil and struggle of bringing life into this world! There are so many lessons to be learned from this experience, both natural and spiritual, and God is slowly walking me through them. Maybe by around the sixth kid I'll have it somewhat figured out!! :)

I miss that Joe and I can't be together during this time, but we have been enjoying it nonetheless even while we're apart. Though it stinks not being together, we know it could be worse, we could have no communication and so we're grateful to still be able to talk for hours each day. I can't believe that soon I'll be making the phone call to tell him, "I'm in labor, get down here NOW!!" How quickly our lives will change in just a matter of hours!

Though Joe and I have to be apart, I'm so blessed to be here with my family during this time. Their support is invaluable, and I know it will continue to be when it comes time to bring J.T. home and Joe and I learn exactly what we're supposed to do with a newborn. God's blessings truly are abundant on us.

So obviously I only have baby on the mind these days, and that pretty much does sum it up. I'm going to try to keep blogging in the next coming weeks to keep track of the experience of anticipating the birth of our first precious child. I hope that once he's here this blog will also serve to keep everyone updated on how we're doing!!