Some Thoughts (and Emotions)

I truly cannot wait to become a mother. In so many ways I feel that some of my deepest desires, to nurture and love a child that I had a part in creating, are about to be realized in just a few short weeks. At the same time, in many ways this is incredibly overwhelming. That's where I am right now, trying not to feel overwhelmed, reminding myself that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." It's funny how I can remember rehearsing that verse over and over again in my head to get me through the mile run in middle school, and now I'm turning to it to find the strength to be a mother. I love how relevant and perfect God's Word is!

I'm fighting the urge to feel overwhelmed because as I was praying this morning, I realized how much I need God to change me. Though He has changed me in many ways, it seems there are many more areas that need more changing than ever before. This morning I was convicted about the ways I need God to change me into a better wife, and thus began the overwhelming-ness. I fall so short of the woman God wants me to be, and specifically of the wife He has called me to be. God needs to be constantly working on me to get me closer to that person, really to get me closer to resembling Christ. The problem is that change takes work, on the part of the Spirit and myself, and I feel that lately I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain. I haven't been aggressively asking God to change me, sometimes not even sincerely wanting Him to. So as I realize how deliberate I must be in working toward and allowing myself to be transformed into that seemingly unattainable Proverbs 31 woman, I'm reminded of how painful these processes usually are. So worth it and so necessary, but so painful to have my heart exposed for what it is and stripped of all the junk it's been clinging to. Still I've gone through this heart surgery with God before, and I know he provides His grace as a small dose of anesthesia so that we can survive the process.

Though now I feel I must undergo double heart surgery. I have so much to learn, still, about being a wife, and EVERYTHING to learn about being a mother. Honestly I don't think I'll ever feel ashamed if all I ever do for a living is be a wife and mother. At this point I certainly can't conceive being both in addition to someone's employee.

There is so much to learn, and I feel like a pre-schooler in a PhD program. But I know this truth: God is good. He is a perfect teacher. All He does He does with love. I could not go through this process with anyone other than Him. I can trust Him. And I can trust that "He who began a good work within me will carry it through to completion." Praise the Lord!